Best Day Ever

I want to tell someone the best mission news I have ever had.  Juan Solomon got baptized on March 22, 1998.  Tanara Graves and I were there as the Spirit taught him the gospel.  I knew he would be faithful.  I have sent Christmas cards over the years and called a few times.  Last night he called my home phone.  I'm so glad that we have kept the land line.  He left a message to say that they were in UT, wanted to see me, and that they loved me.  I got emotional listening to the message.  God sent that message to me to say to me, my efforts in California mattered, they mattered to Juan.  Juan's wife Lisa grew up in the church and they have 2 kids.  The kids are grown now and they are here visiting their daughter who is going to school at LDS Business College.  No missionary knows fully what their influence does in the life of those they serve.  I called back and talked to Lisa a few minutes ago.  They went to the temple last March.  They go to church!!  They are faithful!!  This is every missionary's dream.  It has been 14 years and this is the first convert that I know of that has gone to the temple.  I can't swallow the lump in my throat or keep the tears from welling up.  The work is sweet. It is sometimes delayed but maybe that makes it even sweeter.

Myers and Briggs INFP

I took a personality test, Myers and Briggs.  My personality type is INFP.  The INFP stands for introversion, intuition, feeling, perception.  As I read all about myself I felt validated in my preferences.  I also read about famous people with my personality type and here is the news flash.  Most of them are authors!!  INFP folks express themselves better on paper than they do verbally.  I know my feeling that are guiding me to write are true to my person.  I know that I am going to write something great, something others will wait in line to read.  I actually know this.  This knowledge seems strange to me now because because I haven't told anyone but my true friend Ann about this blog.  I intend to put my writing content on this blog. 

Why do I want to write?  Because I want to be herd.  I say so little because it always seem like I think what I have to say is insignificant.  What I think is not insignificant and that is why I am developing my writing skills.  The more I read the more I think "I could write that."  With so much that I want to say I don't know where to start.  I will just write what is on my mind.

It has been almost a year since our angel RuthAnn was born.  We went and released butterflies at her grave today.  I think that it was a little to cold for them and they made for the trees.  I hope they are still alive and that they make it through the night.  They were painted lady butterflies and they live in North America.  They were tame and they stayed on the kids fingers for a while before they flew away.  

My heart has hurt more than usual the last few days.  Her first birthday is in 3 weeks.  I still wish she would have lived, I would have liked a baby instead of an angel.  We also took a solar light up to our sweet RuthAnn so that I could see her when I am walking in the dark of the morning past the cemetery.  I did felt a lot of peace during general conference today and yesterday.  It was an emotional peace, but peace just the same.  One thing I know for sure is this.  God wants me to look to heaven and that may be the reason He took my baby there.  I will always be looking towards heaven now.  I often feel her spirit with me it is not just a nice feeling it is a presence of her specific spirit.  I recognize it now and just talk to her as if she is an adult friend that calls me Mom.  She guides me to do good for others.  God has blessed me with my personality and I have a lot of feelings.  They are channeled for good, because she is good.  Too good for this place.  She left a broken Mom that is tired of waiting for more babies to come only to have bad experienced at the Dr's office.  I am going to have a full house in Heaven, 5 kids and no lap space.  I still have a few years and I plan to do all I can to get more.  My petitions are already going up to heaven.  I feel an anxious panic when I think about future babies.  I will take the anxiety to get to hold a sweet baby to smell, to hold all night and to love always.

Nothing I ever do is good enough for RuthAnn because nothing I do brings her back.  I keep thinking even after all this time that she will still come and it was all a bad dream.  It is the dream that goes on and on.  The future is full of hope and one day I will have all my righteous desires, I do know this.  Sadly this testimony does not make the pain go away, I still feel every part of it even a year later.  Every anniversary is scary to me, I wish there were away around.  My head hurts from crying so I am done for now.  

This Quiet Corner

I just did something monumental. I left the house and came to the library, by myself. I am sitting in the most private nook I could find. I came here to write with out distractions. I feel like I am writing this in hushed tones so that no small children or their needs will find me here. I feel nervous, like at any moment someone is going to come calling, “Mom I have a really big problem.” It is stone quiet in this nook and that sound has never been more welcome. I have so many things in my head that I want to express. I want to tell all the stories that are there just waiting for me to let them go. Ryan, in his goodness, has given me a night at the library once a week, bless him. I can actually feel the creative juices flowing in this quiet corner.

I will tell you what I plan to do in this quiet corner. I am going to write something grand. I am going to enter my work in the Utah Writers Guild competition in the Fall. This accomplishment is the only new years resolution I made for 2012. I don’t care if I win a single honorable mention. My writing career will have officially begun with this accomplishment.

Why do I want to do this? With all the options and demands on my time? I feel this desire is directed by God. When I follow God-directed desires good things happen, especially when you are looking for the good.

My end goal is to write a memoir. I want to write about my childhood because I think it would be interesting and funny to read and most important, enjoyable to write. As a child I kept journals, and I plan to use the content in them for this project. I want to be the literary voice for the experiences of my upbringing. I can envision a future gathering of my 9 siblings and 2 parents. In this vision we are passing the unfinished chapters around for everyone to read and reminisce. As we talk about memories I start to laugh so hard that I wet my pants, and that is okay. This is going to create a unity among us. Unity that we need in a world were adults sometimes forget where they came from.

Grief at my table

My name is Lori and I live with grief. My sweet baby girl died in my

womb. Don't leave me before our time has begun. Life around me goes
on she is buried in the cold winter dirt and I am left to face the vast field of sorrow called
grief. I feel others thinking it is time to move on, leave this in
the past. Cheer up you can have another baby. The words that society
is thinking offend me mostly because they also come from the dark
recesses of my own mind. I fight with myself to exhaustion. I feel
alone in my grief when I can't even find peace with my own soul.
Peace does comes when I surrender to grief. The monster becomes tame and I
give myself up to it. It is in these moments of peace that my baby
comes to me in spirit. There is no space between heaven and earth.
Death has no power in this space to separate and hurt the living. The
task me for now is to learn with this new companion called grief, this
companion that choose me. Grief and I will eventually learn to get
along. We are disagreeable now and I am incessantly uncomfortable
with the tears and the heavy feeling on my chest that threatens
suffocation. With practice I will learn to appreciate grief because
God gave it to us for a reason. My name is Lori and I live with
grief.

To start

My name is Lori and I want to write here.
I am going to write about our two kids, and our precious angel, RuthAnn.