I took a personality test, Myers and Briggs. My personality type is INFP. The INFP stands for introversion, intuition, feeling, perception. As I read all about myself I felt validated in my preferences. I also read about famous people with my personality type and here is the news flash. Most of them are authors!! INFP folks express themselves better on paper than they do verbally. I know my feeling that are guiding me to write are true to my person. I know that I am going to write something great, something others will wait in line to read. I actually know this. This knowledge seems strange to me now because because I haven't told anyone but my true friend Ann about this blog. I intend to put my writing content on this blog.
Why do I want to write? Because I want to be herd. I say so little because it always seem like I think what I have to say is insignificant. What I think is not insignificant and that is why I am developing my writing skills. The more I read the more I think "I could write that." With so much that I want to say I don't know where to start. I will just write what is on my mind.
It has been almost a year since our angel RuthAnn was born. We went and released butterflies at her grave today. I think that it was a little to cold for them and they made for the trees. I hope they are still alive and that they make it through the night. They were painted lady butterflies and they live in North America. They were tame and they stayed on the kids fingers for a while before they flew away.
My heart has hurt more than usual the last few days. Her first birthday is in 3 weeks. I still wish she would have lived, I would have liked a baby instead of an angel. We also took a solar light up to our sweet RuthAnn so that I could see her when I am walking in the dark of the morning past the cemetery. I did felt a lot of peace during general conference today and yesterday. It was an emotional peace, but peace just the same. One thing I know for sure is this. God wants me to look to heaven and that may be the reason He took my baby there. I will always be looking towards heaven now. I often feel her spirit with me it is not just a nice feeling it is a presence of her specific spirit. I recognize it now and just talk to her as if she is an adult friend that calls me Mom. She guides me to do good for others. God has blessed me with my personality and I have a lot of feelings. They are channeled for good, because she is good. Too good for this place. She left a broken Mom that is tired of waiting for more babies to come only to have bad experienced at the Dr's office. I am going to have a full house in Heaven, 5 kids and no lap space. I still have a few years and I plan to do all I can to get more. My petitions are already going up to heaven. I feel an anxious panic when I think about future babies. I will take the anxiety to get to hold a sweet baby to smell, to hold all night and to love always.
Nothing I ever do is good enough for RuthAnn because nothing I do brings her back. I keep thinking even after all this time that she will still come and it was all a bad dream. It is the dream that goes on and on. The future is full of hope and one day I will have all my righteous desires, I do know this. Sadly this testimony does not make the pain go away, I still feel every part of it even a year later. Every anniversary is scary to me, I wish there were away around. My head hurts from crying so I am done for now.
